What can I do for my friend?

"I'm married to a robot!"

"He thinks emotions are illogical. I have to rationalize everything."

"He gets these interests and he just throws himself into them. If he isn't doing them, he doesn't know what to do with himself. Right now he's into running, but I feel like I've lost my husband to running. Running is his other woman."

"The closest we get to each other is sitting next to each other on the couch. He doesn't seem to understand that I want more than that! He thinks that's quality time together."

"He worked on our 15th anniversary! He knew it was our anniversary, but he said he thought we had agreed that he would take whatever other shifts he could. He couldn't understand why I wanted him to make an exception to the rules!"

"He's such a good husband and a good man. He doesn't drink or gamble. This is really not a big issue. Why does this bother me so much then? I don't understand how he thinks. It's been almost 18 years and I still don't understand my own husband! It's so hard!"

"He has a lot of trouble putting things into words. When he was younger, he was told he had a learning disability. He's a really smart guy, he just has trouble with explaining stuff. He's a doer, not a talker."

All the above were statements from a friend of mine, trying to make sense in her marriage.

Is anyone else thinking what I'm thinking?

I've agreed with my husband to not disclose the difficulties we've had or my husband's diagnosis with anyone locally. The friend's self-esteem is shot and she's blaming herself for all the miscommunications and difficulties.

How can I be a good friend to her in these circumstances?

It's a good thing I wasn't drinking anything...

When people are laughing, they're generally not killing each other. ~Alan Alda

We were driving home from church today when Andrew realized we needed to get gasoline in the car somewhat soon. We were passing a Wal-Mart, so he asked if they had a gas station. They didn't. Andrew was obviously disappointed and pulled into a gas station next door instead. When he pulled up to the pump, he just sat there and let out a loud sigh as he mumbled something about pre-paying. I mumbled back that it was a moot point when one was paying with a debit card and Andrew said that he had wanted to go to the Wal-Mart to be able to use his cash.

I pointed out that the gas station we were at would also take his cash and suggested he give them a $20. (It was an expensive station and that would be plenty to get us home to cheaper supplies.) During all this time, my thoughts were really on a woman who stopped 5 yards from a trash can and then wobbled over to it in her too high heels to throw away a bag of trash and I was hoping she hadn't worn the interesting outfit to church, then correcting myself and hoping that she had worn it to church and not to other possible venues more likely to be associated with the style of dress. Andrew seriously asked me what they do if you give them too much money. I brought my attention back to us as I said that you go back in and they give you your change. It turns out he's never pre-paid with cash before.

This is particularly amusing to me because anything car-related is Andrew's domain. One of his previous passions was cars and he knows them inside-out and backwards. I don't even bother to think about car stuff because I know Andrew has it covered. But today, he was sitting in the driver's seat apparently assessing his options of purposefully underpaying, driving to a new station, or losing any excess because he didn't know what else to do at a pre-pay gas station.

He's knowledgeable about so many things, always beats me in games of strategy, and often feels like he has done no wrong since he has good intentions, so little amusing moments like this help me to love him because I can see that he does have vulnerabilities, doesn't know everything, and is just as human as I am and still has much to learn. I feel like more of an equal to him. I feel like a friend. It feels good to laugh.

What monstrous absurdities and paradoxes have resisted whole batteries of serious arguments, and then crumbled swiftly into dust before the ringing death-knell of a laugh! ~Agnes Repplier

Curiouser and curiouser!

Two curious things of note happened this weekend. The first is that my husband got a call from a client who needs some help. My husband knows exactly what the client needs to do and all my husband has to do is call him up and tell him. It won't require any more of my husband's time or effort. He won't call, though. He has all sorts of reasons, but they're basically excuses. He did say with my questioning that it was too much for him to handle right now, but he couldn't say what part or why. It isn't the rest of life that's getting to him; he just can't call a client and tell him what piece of paper needs to get mailed where. He agreed to write an email to the client instead, which I expect will eventually happen with my prompting.

I don't get it.

I have some guesses: maybe my husband feels put on the spot to call back right after hearing the message and is freezing. Maybe the fact that he can't actually fix it and can only tell them what needs to be done is the problem. Maybe his thoughts are on weekend things and it is too much to bring them back to work things. I don't think I'll ever know on this one.

The second curious thing of interest is that I'm seeing a subtle but definite difference in the way he relates to me and I believe I know why. He's pursuing a new passion and the people who tend to share his passion also tend to speak respectfully about women. For instance, on a forum he visited, a man commented that his girlfriend was alright looking but nothing special and a number of people then proceeded to make statements along the lines of, "What do you think you're doing talking about her that way? Keep that up and she won't be your girlfriend for long." The clear social expectation for him to speak about his wife respectfully, to be happy with his marriage, and to work at pleasing me is what I believe has him being much more vocal than usual, especially at home. I am quite happy with it, too.

When he wraps his arm around me, I can feel his presence and feel connected, in the moment, and protected. When he whispers in my ear that I look beautiful, I am happy that he noticed me, feel attractive and wanted and worthy. When he is more attentive to my needs and responds to my requests, I feel like we're a partnership and in it together, I appreciate his effort and care, and I feel loved.

I am suspecting that he'll forget about all of this as he becomes more passionate about the hobby itself, and I sure will miss it if it goes. I feel conflicted about encouraging the hobby because, at this stage, it is a positive force in our life. If the culture of the hobby gives way to the details of it, like has happened with his other hobbies, it could quickly become a drain instead. I'm trying to walk the balancing line of being supportive and hopeful while being a bit of a grounding rod and a realist at the same time. I find it is easier to do, emotionally speaking, when I feel loved and appreciated and have my husband's arm around my waist as we face it together.