Saturday, August 1, 2009

Curiouser and curiouser!

Two curious things of note happened this weekend. The first is that my husband got a call from a client who needs some help. My husband knows exactly what the client needs to do and all my husband has to do is call him up and tell him. It won't require any more of my husband's time or effort. He won't call, though. He has all sorts of reasons, but they're basically excuses. He did say with my questioning that it was too much for him to handle right now, but he couldn't say what part or why. It isn't the rest of life that's getting to him; he just can't call a client and tell him what piece of paper needs to get mailed where. He agreed to write an email to the client instead, which I expect will eventually happen with my prompting.

I don't get it.

I have some guesses: maybe my husband feels put on the spot to call back right after hearing the message and is freezing. Maybe the fact that he can't actually fix it and can only tell them what needs to be done is the problem. Maybe his thoughts are on weekend things and it is too much to bring them back to work things. I don't think I'll ever know on this one.

The second curious thing of interest is that I'm seeing a subtle but definite difference in the way he relates to me and I believe I know why. He's pursuing a new passion and the people who tend to share his passion also tend to speak respectfully about women. For instance, on a forum he visited, a man commented that his girlfriend was alright looking but nothing special and a number of people then proceeded to make statements along the lines of, "What do you think you're doing talking about her that way? Keep that up and she won't be your girlfriend for long." The clear social expectation for him to speak about his wife respectfully, to be happy with his marriage, and to work at pleasing me is what I believe has him being much more vocal than usual, especially at home. I am quite happy with it, too.

When he wraps his arm around me, I can feel his presence and feel connected, in the moment, and protected. When he whispers in my ear that I look beautiful, I am happy that he noticed me, feel attractive and wanted and worthy. When he is more attentive to my needs and responds to my requests, I feel like we're a partnership and in it together, I appreciate his effort and care, and I feel loved.

I am suspecting that he'll forget about all of this as he becomes more passionate about the hobby itself, and I sure will miss it if it goes. I feel conflicted about encouraging the hobby because, at this stage, it is a positive force in our life. If the culture of the hobby gives way to the details of it, like has happened with his other hobbies, it could quickly become a drain instead. I'm trying to walk the balancing line of being supportive and hopeful while being a bit of a grounding rod and a realist at the same time. I find it is easier to do, emotionally speaking, when I feel loved and appreciated and have my husband's arm around my waist as we face it together.


  1. I think hobbies are good for AS people - as well as others. When my husband is too idle, he gets anxious.

  2. Mine, too.

    There's no stopping him once he starts, even if I want to. I do have the ability to slow the process a little up front, though. We're still in that window of time and I'm sometimes conflicted over encouraging him to do more now because I know he'll enjoy it today and encouraging him to take it slow and steady while he's still happy with that because I know it won't be long before his entire life revolves around the hobby.

    It is tough to decide what to do in the moment. The more I'm having my needs met, the more likely I am to encourage him to do as he pleases in the hobby, but that tends to be a catch-22 because it means the hobby will take over sooner and my needs will be met much less. Thus the feeling that it is a balancing act.