tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4519578582897936172.comments2009-09-14T12:06:04.726-07:00Strangers in Many WaysElizabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16940553582856827725noreply@blogger.comBlogger61125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4519578582897936172.post-87392153413288620542009-09-14T12:06:04.726-07:002009-09-14T12:06:04.726-07:00Thanks for this - I love the TED awards. John Robi...Thanks for this - I love the TED awards. John Robison posts about this on his blog - he is a participant in this study and did report a change in his empathic abilities after getting pulsed.<br />Sign my husband up!!!!Maureenhttp://lovingthetasmaniandevil.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4519578582897936172.post-61561867271975210112009-09-10T17:27:02.571-07:002009-09-10T17:27:02.571-07:00My husband has always liked fiction. He reads a lo...My husband has always liked fiction. He reads a lot of news, forums, and other practical stuff but he also reads all the classics and really enjoys them. It doesn't make much sense to me how he could like these really good dramas if he can't put himself into their shoes or imagine plot alternatives. I know there's got to be something that makes it click for him, but I can't think of it and he can't say what it is.Elizabethhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16940553582856827725noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4519578582897936172.post-45465752117348077452009-09-10T16:43:17.518-07:002009-09-10T16:43:17.518-07:00I mainly read fiction but I don't have too man...I mainly read fiction but I don't have too many problems reading non-fiction either.Gavin Bollardhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13833941398375568706noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4519578582897936172.post-11843389393417649812009-09-10T14:53:50.925-07:002009-09-10T14:53:50.925-07:00I think Aspies in general have a hard time with em...I think Aspies in general have a hard time with empathy and putting themselves in another's shoes. <br /><br />I notice that my husband prefers to read non-fiction, but if he reads fiction, the main characters are very similar to him in opinions and personalities.Abbyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05853360875281742784noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4519578582897936172.post-5174438450852577532009-09-06T20:50:51.807-07:002009-09-06T20:50:51.807-07:00I chatted with a newly diagnosed AS young adult th...I chatted with a newly diagnosed AS young adult the other day. He was very distraught and depressed, not at the diagnosis, but at people in general. He'd been the victim of teasing for not fitting in, and naturally, he thought it was people just being jerks and had nothing to do with him. Yes, it was people being jerks, social interactions are hard for teens, and AS teens especially. He has formed the opinion that everyone is against him, hates him, and of course dislikes him for no reason he can think of, except that everyone he meets is a jerk. It was so hard for me to try to tell him it was actually "him" and his interactions. It was heartbreaking...Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4519578582897936172.post-38792424687880109262009-08-31T03:34:39.145-07:002009-08-31T03:34:39.145-07:00My husband's favorite response for most questi...My husband's favorite response for most questions is "I don't know". This is standard for questions such as "What time do you want to leave to go to your mother's house?" to "What would you like for dinner, chicken or hamburger?" Before understanding about AS, this was a constant frustration for me. Now I do my best to avoid these sorts of questions, and just make the decision myself, or I throw out a time to leave and he will tell me if that's not what he wants. And I just make hamburgers. There ARE ways to work around this sort of frustration, it just takes the realization that it's a typical AS response and you can find other means to extract information besides a direct query. I am a planner, so you can imagine my first reactions to these sorts of responses. I was floored. <br /> Oh, and by the way, he directly told me the dress I was wearing the other day "made me look fat". I cracked up laughing, it delighted me, my wonderful beautiful AS baby! :DAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4519578582897936172.post-78477919306679446762009-08-25T03:40:49.957-07:002009-08-25T03:40:49.957-07:00Just a comment, yes, living with an AS can be diff...Just a comment, yes, living with an AS can be difficult, but knowing the AS diagnosis meant the world to me! I was filled with guilt and confusion, and blaming myself for the lack of communication and barriers. <br />Just knowing what was going on meant that I could finally understand and cope! One minor incident helped me, it at once brought me joy, and showed me how the syndrome manifests itself in my beloved. I was doing the laundry one day, and hurriedly just placed the hamper in the opposite corner from where it has been for almost a year. Next morning, my husband's clothes were piled in the corner where the hamper used to sit. Ordinarily this would have been an indication of laziness to me, but then I realized this was a part of his routine and he had placed the clothes where he had learned to place them, regardless of where the hamper was located. I immediately moved the hamper back to its usual spot and the clothes continued to be placed in the hamper neatly every evening. Without my knowledge of AS and the need for following routines, I would have been angry that my husband "couldn't even pick his clothes up off the floor." Now I know that it's not him just being lazy, it's him following his set routine. It made the world of difference in my mind set. I don't resent him for the clothes being in the floor now, and I am glad I was able to understand what was really going on! This is just a small example of what I've learned and feel free to share this with anyone!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4519578582897936172.post-27090989643415603152009-08-14T07:27:34.957-07:002009-08-14T07:27:34.957-07:00HA! "biologically rude". I like that.HA! "biologically rude". I like that.Abbyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05853360875281742784noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4519578582897936172.post-56678965202252211332009-08-14T05:00:47.614-07:002009-08-14T05:00:47.614-07:00Eliza -
I remember how relieved I was when I figu...Eliza - <br />I remember how relieved I was when I figured out about Andy - everything just slid into a new focus. Feel free to share my Ah-Ha Moment post with her if you think she might be open to it. Andy is fine with my talking about his "diagnosis" with others. <br />The movie PS I Love You has Harry Conick (?)as an Aspie but doesn't actually say it out loud. He just says he is biologically rude. That might be an in.Maureenhttp://lovingthetasmaniandevil.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4519578582897936172.post-14994078254672782052009-08-13T17:50:04.852-07:002009-08-13T17:50:04.852-07:00You know, Anon, I think that's a good point. I...You know, Anon, I think that's a good point. I had realized it, but not thought of it particularly that way.<br /><br />I'm also seen as being bossy by onlookers when I speak to my husband the way he desires, without the extraneous stuff. Since he is an introvert, it isn't uncommon that people think he's henpecked, which couldn't be further from the truth. <br /><br />I believe my friend is someone who is explanation heavy, She wants to be understood. I don't know, but I would suspect that she probably does give the friendly explanation like you describe. <br /><br />If she brings it up again, I might suggest the direct approach.<br /><br />I think she was venting and I was there, but that she now regrets having said anything to me because she should be happy with having a good man as her husband who works hard, pays the bills, takes care of the family's (physical) needs, etc. I wish there was more I could do to comfort her. I don't think the Adam movie would be a good idea since it is so forthcoming about his diagnosis. What's the other movie that didn't actually talk about Asperger's? I'll look that one up, too.Elizabethhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16940553582856827725noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4519578582897936172.post-34720665513313556132009-08-13T13:01:26.658-07:002009-08-13T13:01:26.658-07:00Elizabeth, you're in a rough spot. Do you thin...Elizabeth, you're in a rough spot. Do you think it's possible she confided in you because she thinks your husband shares some of the same qualities and she was looking for someone who might understand, or was she venting? We are also in the closet, so to speak, about the diagnosis—a few close friends know but we don't explain or apologize for his quirkiness otherwise. Personally, although this is hard when a friend is hurting, I think your loyalty has to be to your husband. It's a shame the movie ADAM is in such limited release. Perhaps when it's on DVD you can pass it along to her as a good chick flick with a really cute guy in it and hope she picks up on the similarities on her own?<br /><br />Abby, I agree it's tricky. And that it's a relief to find someone to talk to who understands that being in an NT/AS marriage goes beyond "men are from mars." Not so sure the "open and honest" would work, though. How I was communicate with my husband has changed drastically since we learned about AS. A story a friend told the other day captures this. Her husband works a 9-5 job and she has a flexible schedule but works Saturday mornings. She makes a point, every afternoon, of taking the kids out to run off their sillies, tidying up the house, and having dinner started so he'll come home to a calm and neat house and will be able to relax and enjoy his evening. She'd come home on Saturdays and find the house is chaos, the kids are jumping around, and he hadn't made her a sandwich. So she was crabby the rest of the day because he doesn't treated her as well as she treats him. So she finally realized that she hasn't asked for what she wants. She sits him down and explains her daily routine then says, "And you know how nice it feels when you come home? I want to feel like that on Saturdays, too." <br /><br />That's all she had to say for him to have lunch waiting for her, the house tidied up, etc. Sometimes, he even drops by her office with coffee mid morning. <br /><br />I laughed and laughed at this story—she's not married to a man with aspergers. If I used those exact same words, and I probably would have before I knew about AS, my husband and I would have ended up in an argument about how my mood is entirely under my own control and nothing to do with him. Further, that he never ASKED me to tidy up or start dinner, so I should admit I do them because they make me happy or because I feel it is important for kids. On and on it would go; we'd both end up wounded and angry and the house would still be a mess and the kids nuts when I got home from work. However, now that I know about AS, I would not bother to say anything at all about the fact that I perform this wifely courtesy for him 5 days out of 7. I'd say, "Please take the kids out to the park for 30 minutes while I'm at work, and make sandwiches for all of us to eat when I get home at noon." And it's likely that he would do all those things because I asked him to. (If my friend heard this translation, she'd think I was being too bossy and was possibly a control freak—but that's life with a man with asperger's.)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4519578582897936172.post-7536018098189526952009-08-11T11:47:08.290-07:002009-08-11T11:47:08.290-07:00Hmmmm... tricky.
If it were a friend of mine, I m...Hmmmm... tricky.<br /><br />If it were a friend of mine, I might just tell her to be very open and honest with him about how [all of the above] affect her. <br /><br />My husband and I have mainly just agreed not to share his AS diagnosis with his family. So I would probably share my experience and strategies too. Sometimes it's just nice to know there are others in the same boat!Abbyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05853360875281742784noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4519578582897936172.post-34213645613091947272009-08-10T21:14:30.157-07:002009-08-10T21:14:30.157-07:00She was looking for solutions. I can't really ...She was looking for solutions. I can't really tell her to go look up Asperger's, though. I think it would be too presumptuous of me and would tread dangerously close to making my husband uncomfortable and unhappy. I feel torn.Elizabethhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16940553582856827725noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4519578582897936172.post-67056102775406564492009-08-10T15:33:32.350-07:002009-08-10T15:33:32.350-07:00I have to be told everything, though I am improvin...I have to be told everything, though I am improving.<br /><br />My wife needs to tell me in advance to take days off. If she wants a cuddle, she needs to spread her arms at me. <br /><br />However...<br /><br />She can "Program" me up with rules.<br /><br />Example: I now NEVER ever get a drink without asking her if she wants one.<br /><br />I give her a hug/kiss when I get home, when I go to bed etc.<br /><br />A combination of rules and signals does the trick for us.<br /><br />Your friend might just be looking for a bit of empathy but if she's looking for solutions, direct her to the web.Gavin Bollardhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13833941398375568706noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4519578582897936172.post-63109181964063004302009-08-10T07:33:04.086-07:002009-08-10T07:33:04.086-07:00Abby, I'm curious what it was that caused the ...Abby, I'm curious what it was that caused the transition for Magnum. Was it your presence, something that happened that made him decide to do it, a natural outgrowth of other things, some combination? Yay that he's doing it!Elizabethhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16940553582856827725noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4519578582897936172.post-58690940089374085072009-08-10T07:30:26.011-07:002009-08-10T07:30:26.011-07:00Good for you! And Him!
My husband's parent...Good for you! And Him! <br /><br />My husband's parents are very condescending towards him, but he's just started to stand up for himself in recent years. It's nice to see.Abbyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05853360875281742784noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4519578582897936172.post-66227632747578978532009-08-10T07:15:23.572-07:002009-08-10T07:15:23.572-07:00Indeed! I was a Brownie at one time, many moons ag...Indeed! I was a Brownie at one time, many moons ago.<br /><br />I don't think I got any brownie points from my husband, who gets stressed setting boundaries with his mom, but I did get some bonding points, which I'll happily take any day!Elizabethhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16940553582856827725noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4519578582897936172.post-31416784833455592132009-08-10T04:15:39.397-07:002009-08-10T04:15:39.397-07:00I'm impressed too. It bespeaks a significant l...I'm impressed too. It bespeaks a significant level of mutual understanding and good will to share your insights so effectively. I think there were brownie points all round.<br /><br />Are you old enough to recall the junior wing of the female branch of the Boy Scout movement - the Brownies? Sorry - I digress.the_blokehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10422420097708225526noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4519578582897936172.post-77102792211501744122009-08-09T21:13:01.882-07:002009-08-09T21:13:01.882-07:00It does sound intriguing, doesn't it?It does sound intriguing, doesn't it?Elizabethhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16940553582856827725noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4519578582897936172.post-89116906330211282022009-08-08T13:16:21.363-07:002009-08-08T13:16:21.363-07:00When I was a teenager, I used to babysit for a cou...When I was a teenager, I used to babysit for a couple that did these marriage encounter things on a regular basis. I remember thinking that pretty cool. Anything is better than nothing. Tailored for the Aspie mind? Hmmm....Abbyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05853360875281742784noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4519578582897936172.post-1693443100482704132009-08-06T09:00:31.156-07:002009-08-06T09:00:31.156-07:00Abby,
Andrew is also Catholic. I don't know h...Abby,<br /><br />Andrew is also Catholic. I don't know how to word what I want to say, but I think the closest is that he's very good at being Catholic, and not so good at being a Christian, which is a fundamental and integral part of being Catholic.<br /><br />On an intellectual, philosophical, theological, and physical level he's Catholic. It isn't me pushing that onto him. He has theological interests distinct from my own. In my opinion, this is real but it usually doesn't go any deeper than the physical level. All this external is there only to affect the internal. The fasting is to learn self-discipline, the liturgical movement is to have one's body, mind and soul all expressing the same thing at the same time. He goes through all the motions, but it doesn't seem to change anything. <br /><br />I don't mean change as in he's broken goods for having AS, I mean the growth and change that each one of us should be striving for on account of being humans. There are large lengths of time that I get the impression he really thinks he's perfect and doesn't have anything to work on. He really doesn't think he sins because he can't think of a single time he's done something he oughtn't. I could volunteer plenty! LOL! (I don't.)<br /><br />And then at times, inexplicably, it is like a lightbulb goes off or a locked door is opened and he really gets it. Like the scales have fallen from his eyes and everything is different. There are rare moments that I even see my husband with tears of repentance trickling out of the corner of his eyes. Our whole life is pervaded with peace then and he's such a wonderful man, husband, father, Catholic, Christian. I respect and admire him so much during those times. Then just as suddenly and inexplicably, it's gone. It is like someone flipped a light switch and the eyes go dark and I have no idea when it will be back again.<br /><br />Because I've seen these glimpses, I know he's more than capable of it and he would benefit from a knowledgeable and patient spiritual director who could help him spiritually grow. I don't think any of them would have the ideas or concepts to work with him, though. They're trained to recognize scrupulosity, sloth, and so on, and not to see how a theory of mind, as the bloke said, is different or lacking, much less how to help. I think we'd have to first train a spiritual director, and I don't know anything about where to start.Elizabethhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16940553582856827725noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4519578582897936172.post-12680741445306861782009-08-06T07:43:01.696-07:002009-08-06T07:43:01.696-07:00Is your husband also Catholic?
When my husband ...Is your husband also Catholic? <br /><br />When my husband and I discuss spirituality, I think he understands it in a "text book" sense, but will never truly grasp the spiritual piece of spirituality, as much as he would like to. <br /><br />I don't think that eye contact causes him physical pain, but it clearly makes him uncomfortable. "Failure to make eye contact is failure to connect.." I tend to agree.Abbyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05853360875281742784noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4519578582897936172.post-33960686537655720262009-08-06T07:35:31.907-07:002009-08-06T07:35:31.907-07:00Thank you for chasing me home, as you call it! I h...Thank you for chasing me home, as you call it! I hope you visit and write many more times! By interacting with others, it is the only way that I can grow as a wife and help to improve my marriage. I need all the help I can get because I'm far from perfect.<br /><br />I had wanted to write about how Asperger's was hurting Andrew's relationship with God and because of that hurting our family's spiritual life, which has effects on our marriage and physical life, but I couldn't really put it into words. After reading Father's post about eye contact, the symbolism of it gave me the clarity to try to put it into words.<br /><br />I don't care that my husband doesn't usually make eye contact. I can deal with that just fine. The dullness in his eyes during large periods of time is a symptom of a spiritual dullness when he isn't building his relationship with God and it corresponds with times that I complain on a physical level that I feel like I married a robot. <br /><br />A comparison would be if a person had a fever and the doctor said, "We want to get this mercury on the thermometer to go down to 98.6." The doctor doesn't really care about the mercury. He cares about the person being well and therefore wants to get rid of the fever, but the doctor knows that if the fever is properly addressed that the thermometer's mercury will also go down. I believe if my husband's relationship with God is properly addressed that the vibrance in his eyes will increase. It isn't that I care about the vibrance or about eye contact any more than a doctor cares about a thermometer's mercury or despises warm temperatures. It is that the eyes have been an accurate gauge for spiritual health in our life, which is an idea largely supported by both secular and religious thought. I want my husband to be spiritually healthy and that is my only issue. Does that make sense?Elizabethhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16940553582856827725noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4519578582897936172.post-5187824633383484972009-08-06T03:51:27.138-07:002009-08-06T03:51:27.138-07:00Your emphasis on eye contact is a threat to your r...Your emphasis on eye contact is a threat to your relationship.<br /><br />Normal people, very early in life, construct a feedback loop between sensory input and behavioural response that underpins socialisation and theory of mind. Aspies don't.<br /><br />This feedback loop is the basic for membership in human societies. We who lack it either don't know it exists and don't know of our lack, or have accepted the evidence for its existence and are searching for understanding of what it is we lack. The eye thing is intimately interwoven with all of that.<br /><br />Sorry to chase you home, but I'd read a number of your posts on Wrong Planet and wanted more.the_blokehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10422420097708225526noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4519578582897936172.post-79351697022115281552009-08-02T17:29:05.753-07:002009-08-02T17:29:05.753-07:00Mine, too.
There's no stopping him once he st...Mine, too.<br /><br />There's no stopping him once he starts, even if I want to. I do have the ability to slow the process a little up front, though. We're still in that window of time and I'm sometimes conflicted over encouraging him to do more now because I know he'll enjoy it today and encouraging him to take it slow and steady while he's still happy with that because I know it won't be long before his entire life revolves around the hobby.<br /><br />It is tough to decide what to do in the moment. The more I'm having my needs met, the more likely I am to encourage him to do as he pleases in the hobby, but that tends to be a catch-22 because it means the hobby will take over sooner and my needs will be met much less. Thus the feeling that it is a balancing act.Elizabethhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16940553582856827725noreply@blogger.com