Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Bats in the Belfry

Apparently I've chosen to insist on there being reason amid the chaos and to ensure my eventual emotional demise by continuing to search for it.

I can objectively see how it is crazy to keep looking for something when there is no indication it exists. I find it easier to keep believing it exists based on my previous knowledge and first-hand experiences of it combined with the anecdotal evidence of others who exhibit it than I find it easier to live my life without reason or purpose outside of self-pleasure.

I have no idea where my husband has gone. Maybe to visit a lawyer based on my saying I couldn't handle it. Maybe to pass the time and come back to pretend nothing happened. I can reasonably believe he isn't doing anything constructive. He never has. But there I go being all rational again. See how awful I am at this game? I thought he was supposed to be Mr. Predictable Scientist and I was supposed to be Ms. Irrational Emotion--isn't that the AS male-NT female stereotype? Then why is he the one off destressing from his own poor choices while I'm home doing all the work again?

I never know what tomorrow will bring because I never know who he is today. As soon as he has some new interest or influential person around, all of his values and priorities and thoughts on life change. I'm so tired from trying, not achieving but trying my hardest, to be someone I'm not to conform to his world of chaos and confusion. He's not once even attempted to step out of his world since we married. I'm crazy to think he would now. Why do I do this to myself? Why can't I just be happy with things? Things I'd have to give myself. Why does every ounce of my being hunger for something he won't give? Well, I know why. And I ought to because it is what I am actually called to. But why doesn't he ever try to give it?

Obviously, it is enough to drive me batty long before death do us part to keep thinking and living in these never-ending loops. There is no word I can speak or action I can do that will change this cycle.

If I'm going to go crazy, I might as well have fun with it right? Too many cats is a little cliché. What's something a little more substantial I could sink my teeth into? I'm not into scrap booking. Or anything too strenuous. Maybe I'll take up motorcycling. And pedicures. At the same time. Or maybe I should go to the other extreme and schedule out every 15 minutes of my day. But I'll only do things found in children's books. Today is Wednesday so we'll have elephants over to eat zoooop! Sundays will be ice cream days. Andrew might not be too happy with the string beans on Mondays, but I'll be crazy schedule lady and will have a porcupine with me, so surely he wouldn't mess with that.

Now where could I find an elephant and how will I get it home tonight? Since my husband isn't home, the elephant can sit in his chair. It's no crazier than trying to live my life guessing what goes on inside my husband's head. And ice cream Sundays sounds like a lot more fun! So why aren't I happy yet?

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