Marriage Encounters

Over at his Life with Aspergers blog, Gavin Bollard (a non-practicing Catholic with Asperger's) talks about how the Marriage Encounters program saved his marriage, despite his hesitations around going.

Gavin begins his 4 part series on his Marriage Encounter weekend with this:

Whether the organisers realise it or not, the marriage encounters programme is particularly tailored for the aspie mind.

Spoilers
As part of this series of posts, I'm going to have to "spoil" some of the secrets of Marriage Encounters. For this, I apologise in advance. If you're already booked in on a course, or if you're definitely going on one, you should probably ignore these posts - I think it's better if you learn via the real event.

If this doesn't apply to you, then read on...

Here are the links to Gavin's review of Marriage Encounters, which he broke into four blog posts: Part One, Part Two, Part Three, Part Four.

Marriage Encounter programs are available in the United States and Canada and are currently conducted in English, Korean, and Spanish. They are all sponsored by a Christian church (the current list on their website says Baptist, Canadian Anglican, Catholic, Episcopalian, Lutheran, Mennonite & Brethren, Pan Orthodox, Presbyterian, Reformed, Seventh-Day Adventist, United Church of Christ/Christian Church, United Methodist, and Wesleyan churches hold them). Their FAQ says "while the Weekend may be presented in a given Faith expression, each is open to couples from other orientations. The opportunities of the Weekend go beyond the boundaries of any one expression."

Their FAQ also says that "no couple is ever denied the chance to renew their marriage because they are facing financial difficulties. This concern should not influence your decision to attend a Marriage Encounter Weekend."

To find out more, visit the Marriage Encounter website here: http://www.wwme.org/new.html

If you're happy and you know it...

In addition to my husband being generally happy, cooperative, and volunteering information and thoughts for the last couple days, he did something yesterday that I don't remember him doing before.

I asked him, as I always do when these times come along, why he was in such a good mood. His answer is usually either that he didn't realize he was in a good mood or he doesn't know why and the conversation goes no further. Yesterday after I asked, he told me exactly why he was feeling good. A meeting he had at work went well and he was relieved it was over. My jaw about hit the floor! He wasn't guessing or coming up with an answer only to have something to say, he knew immediately that he felt lighter and why. Wow!

Also going on this weekend is that a friend's child is gravely ill. Andrew has been asking me every hour or two for updates, even calling when he is away from home. His voice doesn't betray worry, it sounds like he's asking for an update on the weather, but for him to call and specifically ask for information so repeatedly clearly indicates that he is worried. In a strange way, it knocks a little chip off of one of my personal fears. I don't know why, but I worry that if I should ever die before him, he would shrug and go on in life never looking back. To see his concern for a child who isn't even close to him shows me yet again that he clearly does have emotional connections to people, even if he doesn't have a clear connection between the feelings and the thoughts about it. The child is still in imminent danger so prayers would be appreciated for him. Update: the child is no longer in critical danger and is now recovering. Prayers are still appreciated.

I feel like I'm on vacation right now. Like back home is nasty weather and stress and drama but that this all-inclusive resort we're at just lets the stress melt away. Like I'm sitting by the pool with a Planter's Punch in one hand and my husband's hand in the other and we're next in line for a massage. I don't know how long the vacation will last, but I'm really enjoying it while we have it.

Dimples and Dreams

I'm feeling a little more hopeful today for two reasons.

First is the wonderful support so many people at Wrong Planet have been giving to help me understand my husband. No blame, no condescension, just their experiences and some ideas to try based on them. I am very grateful for that and just keep going back to the posts to read and re-read to let it all sink in. It gives me hope that there can be understanding and with that we can have harmony.

Second is that my husband is in one of his good moods. He goes around smiling. I can see his cute dimples. He's playful and witty. He's present in the moment and interested in what is going on around him. I've never figured out what causes him to be in these moods but I really love when he is. I've asked him and looked for patterns, but it is one of the mysteries of our marriage for now. One of the kidlets commented that we're having tickle fight kind of days. Silly, fun, hopeful days. I like these days.

Just a spoon full of sugar

I am on strike.

As long as I'm not offering the solutions to our problems, his part in the conversations is the same two things on a perpetual loop.

Eliza, E-liza, Eliz-A...

How do I stress your name? Let me count the ways.

I stress it at the beginning, at the middle, and at the end

As far as my intonation can reach, when feeling stressed

By the ideas of Love and ideal Connection.

I stress your name to the level of every day's

Most quiet need, with frustration and protest.

What do you want me to DO?

This is the useless conversation that just fills up time and gives unfounded hope. It doesn't matter what I say because it will never be done and good ideas might be permanently refused because of their connection to our disagreement. It also really bothers me that the issue is not addressed meaning it will only repeat to infinity because the desire for doing isn't to address the issue but to address the conflict. But then the conflict is resolved by the promise of doing and so the doing never gets done.

When I don't answer that, it goes back to Eliza, Eliza, Eliza...

Earlier today, he actually thought of a solution and implemented it.

YAY!!

I am conflicted over trying to be hopeful because he did it, which is huge, and being realistic because his choice on what to do didn't take me into account at all. My husband's love language is food. I don't care at all about food and have made it clear that his using it to get out of conflicts makes me feel like I'm using him or that I have a butler, not a husband. In the past, I've offered numerous other ideas that would more directly meet my needs at the time but today he fell back on the only thing he knows and made me a breakfast of my choice.

I'm choosing to appreciate it for what it was, to acknowledge that he did in fact DO something of his own thinking, and to realize that it is better than some of the alternatives. It was followed by him picking fights, refusing to help, being intentionally snide, and basically feeling like he had gone out of his way to do oh so much for me and that I now owe him. The concept of remorse seems to be completely lost on him.

I'm trying to give him room to improve and will bite my tongue and hope for more, and when that isn't happening then I'll unemotionally address it and he'll say he understands and is going to act, but when that doesn't come and he again hurts me, I'll let all of it out about how this just keeps happening and how hurtful it is and he'll say that everything was perfectly fine and then I went crazy over some inconsequential thing and then he'll offer me a cup of tea and the cycle will repeat ad infinitum. I feel helpless to change it or to have any effect on my own life. And yet, I again hold my tongue and wait...

I'd thought we'd found a harmony

I just saw this article posted on Wrong Planet and it so diplomatically said what my long emotional rant two posts down said that I wanted to give my thumbs up to it.

Asperger’s Syndrome in Relationships:
Is There Hope?

The thread it was posted in is now 4 pages long, has drifted considerably, and most recently had a post saying any NT woman who identified with it was a "whiny wife" who didn't appreciate her hard-working man. I'm not looking for a fight so I decided to re-post the article here and leave it at that. This might not describe others' experiences, but it accurately captures mine.

I wonder if Carol Grigg is acquainted with St. Augustine's writings. She seems to agree with him.

St. Evodius: Whence, therefore, are evil things done by men, if they are not learned?
St. Augustine: Perhaps it is from this, that man turns himself away from learning, that is, estranges himself from the fact of learning. But whether this or something else be true, this surely is evident—that learning is good, and because it is derived from [the verb] to learn, evil things can not be learned.

Birds of a feather

Last night, I had a wonderful night's sleep. I laid my head down on the soft pillow, wrapped my husband's arm around me, and slept like a baby.

I used to have the most uncomfortable pillow and I would complain of neck pain and poor sleep nearly every day. Nothing big or dramatic, just a minor annoyance. Then my husband wrapped up a gift and gave it to me: a big, soft pillow. He knew I'd like it and he glowed when he handed it over. He'd searched for just the right one. He was right. I've loved it ever since. I would have never thought to ask for a pillow for a gift.

When I am feeling sad, wondering if my husband knows the real me, understands what makes me tick, I remind myself about the pillow he chose. He knew exactly what I needed. Sometimes what we need is different from what we think we want. When I am feeling sad, wondering if I should have married Andrew, I remind myself that God often gives us what we need and not what we want and that it is only in retrospect that we can sometimes appreciate God's wisdom and providence. Life is hard. Being single is hard. Being married is hard. Being a woman is hard. Being a man is hard. Having children is hard. Being infertile is hard. Everyone has crosses to bear. When I put it into perspective, my constant, loyal, fun, funny, stable, adventurous, principled husband not being in touch with his feelings is a pretty inconsequential cross, even if it lays open my own weaknesses. Sometimes life is too hard and I just take a time-out, go take a nap, and tune out. But isn't it ironic that I curl up on that pillow he got me? Maybe when I can't get it by being hit over the proverbial head in my waking life, I get it by having it pummeled into me one feather at a time through osmosis while I sleep.

My life and its problems, as frustrating as they can be, is really a cushy life filled with pleasures and luxuries many would by happy to trade me for. I hope I can learn that sometime soon, but in the mean time I'll just keep holding on to that pillow as my proof that it isn't hopeless and I have a pretty darn good husband after all.